Oh… we are different?

Have you ever sat down and really thought about the differences between a man and a woman? We think differently, speak different languages and even our senses are different. For example…

If Susan, Jessica and Alicia go out for lunch, they will call each other Susan, Jessica and Alicia. If Steven, Bill and Brian go out for lunch, they will affectionately refer to each other as Super Geek, Homeboy and Fartso.

When the bill arrives, Steven, Bill and Brian will each throw down a $20, even though the tab is $36.49. None of them have anything smaller (because the wife will only allow them to have a $20 on them at any given time) and none of them will admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the phones with the calculators.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

A man has seven items on his bathroom counter: toothbrush and toothpaste, razor and shaving cream, deodorant, soap and a towel. A typical woman has 43, actually uses 6 and a man can only identify 8.

A woman can smell a dirty diaper from 45 feet away. A man can’t at all.

A woman worries about the future until she marries. A man doesn’t worry about it until he gets married.

A woman has to have the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the start of a new argument.

A woman will dress up, including full hair and make-up to go to Wal-Mart, to take the trash out, to take the kids to school and any other occasion that requires being seen by more than 2 other people. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals and the first day of a new job.

Men wake up as good-looking as they were when they went to bed. Women deteriorate during the night by 3.5%.

Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay, and considers asking for sex as part of that said foreplay.

Men do not decorate their handwriting. A few scribbles, done. A woman will whip out the scented ink pen in fuchsia, dot the “i’s” with with circles and hearts and will even put a smiley face on a “Dear John” letter.

Men see time on a clock correctly. A woman sees it 15 minutes slower.

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. One time. A woman is completely obsessed; they will check out their reflection in any and every shiny surface within 20 feet – mirror, spoon, store windows, toasters, and cars.

A woman will wear a necklace, earrings, bracelet and several rings at any one given time and will look “en vogue”. A man wears more than one ring will look like a lounge singer named Vic. (Sorry Vic, no offense intended.)

When a woman goes through menopause, she deals with a complex range of emotional, psychological and biological changes. A man goes through menopause and he buys a pair of aviator sunglasses and a Porsche. If his symptoms are severe, he will toss in a pair of leather driving gloves.

A woman will sometimes admit to making a mistake only if it’s glaringly obvious. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Richard Nixon, and he only said “I regret deeply…”. But he did say it twice in the same speech.

In the locker room, men will talk about three things, money, football and women. They will exaggerate about money, they don’t know football as well as they think and they will fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing and one thing only… sex. And not in an abstract way, they get down and dirty, never forget the details and they never lie.

Little girls love to play with toys but will outgrow the interest around the age of 11 or 12. Men never outgrow their obsession with toys. They only get more expensive, require more batteries and have a 589 page user manual.

Men look sexy with mustaches, women do not.

A woman says she will see you soon, she means within an hour or two. A man says he will see you soon and he’s talking about within the next couple of days.

A man’s face will remain the same color throughout his entire life. A woman’s face by the age of 45 will closely resemble a Rorschach test.

A man considers having enough gas in the car when it’s sitting on full. A woman considers a quarter of a tank to be sufficient.

A man considers a nap on Sunday afternoon to be a necessity while a woman has to be close to death before taking one.

A woman would not be comfortable in public without every article on her body matching, all the way down to her undies. A man will go to the mall in socks and sandals, boxers hanging out of the bottom of his shorts and a tee-shirt that says “Weekend forecast – mostly drunk with a chance of horny.” And it has one armpit blown out.

A man tells his wife that she looks pretty and means it. A woman will respond with a sarcastic “Yeah, right” and stomp off to change clothes. Again.

A woman thinks a perfume smells good only when it costs over $90 per ounce. A man will wear a four-year old $10 bottle of aftershave and be happy.

So, these are some of my observations on the differences of the sexes. I’m positive there are thousands more. Holler back at me and share your thoughts concerning the “great divide”.

Until the next time, I’ll be sitting here with my thinking cap on, tapping my chin while amusing myself in any aimless manner I can find.

Much love to ya!


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