I haven’t written in the past several weeks, so much has been going on in my life and I haven’t been able to get my thoughts together. Too many changes and I can’t keep up. Too many emotions bouncing around and making me question my sanity.
I have moved into a new home and am completely settled in. All the boxes are emptied and pictures hung. I feel safe. I feel peace and calm creeping into my heart. Positivity is coming back. My love of life is reemerging. My excitement of a new day is my first thought upon waking. It’s been a struggle, a hard struggle but I’m willing it to be. The fear is still trying to take over but that too I will defeat.
My husband and I have separated and now have decided not to continue our marriage. While we wish it could be different, this is how it will be. Will we be happier apart? That remains to be seen, we truly loved/love each other and in the end, that’s all that matters. Love is never a mistake but a gift. And I thank him for sharing that gift with me. He is a good man and I wish him nothing but the best, now and always. The good times we shared will always have a special place in my heart and I hope in his too. Falling in love with him made my heart sing and I never felt more alive, so happy. The day we married was the best day of my life, the vows never meant more than they did that day. I do not regret any of it. He was, is and always will be worthy of my love. He gave me two wonderful, amazing stepdaughters that I’ll always hold close. As their Dad and I will eventually divorce, I will never be divorced from them. He and his daughters are a part of my family and always will be. I will always stand beside them, even though I might not be physically there. They all will have my love until the day I die.
This will be the one and only time that I will publicly speak about this and I hope that it doesn’t upset him. It is not my intent to cause anyone discomfort or pain. I have to write this, I have to share what’s in my head and heart. I guess it’s a cleansing of the soul. He taught me to be a “seeker of truth” and this is the truth, my truth. He made me want to be a better person, for him and myself. He loved, supported and helped me in countless ways and I will always be greatly appreciative. He brought out the best in me and gave me so many moments of absolute beauty and unbridled happiness.
The demise of a marriage is always a sad and painful thing. Doesn’t matter if it’s wanted or not, there will always be a sadness to work through. My objective now is acceptance and forgiveness. I have to accept the facts and move on. Some people can’t and don’t ever accept. I know it’s going to be a long road for me to get to complete acceptance and I realize that I don’t have a choice. If I am to move on in a healthy and happy manner, I will achieve acceptance. Forgiveness… yes, I forgive. If I didn’t, I would become bitter to the core. I know that my soul would not be able to heal if I didn’t forgive. Even while muddling in the mist of my pain and anger, I know that I will be happy again. And yes, I am angry. Angry at what the fates have dealt us. We always said that we knew what it took to have a happy marriage. It now looks like we didn’t. Did we take our eye off the ball, did we not put enough work into it, did we not have enough faith? I don’t think I’ll ever know those answers. I know my heart will heal and in the end, I will know what I need and want in my life. And I’m confident I will find it.
It’s a horrible thing to feel unloved, unlovable and alone in the world. My head tells me that this isn’t true, many people love me. And deep down in my heart I believe that he loves me too. But in the dark hours of midnight, laying in a bed too big, these feelings overwhelm me. I think it’s normal to go through this. It’s the same grieving process I imagine one goes through when a beloved spouse passes away. What makes it worse is that my loved one (thankfully) hasn’t died. He just made a decision that wasn’t in my favor. I am not perfect, full of flaws here and there. For awhile he was able to see past this and love me for just being me. I’ve learned that what once was something he could live with, turned out to be what he really couldn’t. It’s not his fault, nor mine, it’s just the way it is. So be it.
My future awaits… and I’m determined to live each and every day filled with love, light and a pure joy of just being alive. I will embrace the newness and wonder with every breath I take. I will fill my life with positivity and not allow dark thoughts to enter my head. I will find love again, and hopefully soon. I’ve always said that I’m much happier in a relationship and I truly am. I like the person I am, I know that I’m a good person, one that any man would and could be happy with. And I have so much to be thankful for and I hope never to lose sight of that. My new beginning is just around the corner. I will find that partner that I will spend the rest of my life with. And you know something? It’s possible that the best is yet to come. Yes… new beginnings…
With much love and peace,