Definitely showing my age here but do you remember that TV show, The Outer Limits? I remember watching it with my grandmother when I was just a child. There was just one episode that stands out in my mind and it’s fairly hazy. I have an impression of a small town, looks like it’s set in the 50’s, people going about their business in everyday life. Shots of men talking in front of the post office, mothers driving a car with her children in the backseat. A state of complete nirvana. Then you hear a louder voice, a mother telling her daughter to put her toys up and get ready for dinner. The camera zooms out and there’s this little girl sitting on the floor in front of a cardboard box. In the box is the town we just saw, the people, the post office, the cars, all real but miniature. All these people going about their business but in reality, they were a little girl’s toy. Living their lives for her entertainment only.
Freaked me out… and stayed with me all these years. In fact, it seems to be one of my first memories.
This memory has been surfacing a lot the last few days. I’ve dreamed about it twice now, woke up in tears and a cold sweat. It’s invaded my mind and doesn’t seem to want to leave. I know why.
Have you ever had the feeling that you were living in a parallel universe? That you had two lives that ran side by side and you could slip in and out of them at will. (I promise that I haven’t slipped into the realms of insanity here!) You have the real day-to-day life, the family, the responsibilities, the job, the ups and downs. Then you have another life, the same as the other one but this one is so much better. There’s no conflict, no worries, things go as you want them to go, complete happiness and bliss. The perfect life.
My goal has been to get this two lives meshed into one. Like everyone else, I want to have that perfect life. I try and try so hard to get there and when I think I’m close, it slips away and I can’t grasp it, can’t hold on to it. I’ve always thought that we are in control of our own destinies, that the well thought out choices we make will guide us down the right path. That if we believe in ourselves and in a higher being, that positivity and happiness will reign. Guess what folks… it ain’t happening. At least not at this moment.
I’ve said it before that life is a constant series of change and that we must grow with these changes. I’m faced with some changes that I didn’t want, that were forced upon me. I hit the floor and laid there for a while but I’m getting back up. This is the reason for my childhood memory popping up. I’ve felt like I had lost control and I’m in that cardboard box. That some child is just playing with me for her own entertainment. And how ridiculous is that?? I wanted to slap myself upside the head for being so… so… blind. I am in complete control of my life and I had lost sight of that.
But no more! I’m finding my feet and one foot is starting to tap. The wonder of what is next is creeping around the corner and my heart skips a beat in fear and excitement. Is it possible that my parallel universe is converging into one? I’m going to work hard to achieve this. I’m not going to lay on the floor ever again. It’s cold and lonely and not worthy of me. I am not going to look back on my life and have regrets of being a victim of my own making. My self-worth is immense and by the time I’m through with this life, you will know it too. My determination is growing by the minute and the strength I feel returning to my heart and soul will carry me to the life I’m happy with. I will survive, and survive somehow with joy in my heart.
I have traveled to the Outer Limits and now know while it can be scary as hell, I can face it without fear.
Much love to all as always,
P.S. Don’t forget to leave me a comment here. I would really like to know what you think!