In that haze between sleeping and being awake, I’ve thought about writing this blog several times so now its time to finally do it. Starfishing… this term has a special meaning for me, and you’re probably wondering what the hell??? but hold on and I’ll explain.
I was once told that I starfish when I sleep. Meaning that I fling my arms and legs out like a starfish. I’m pretty sure that this wasn’t meant as a complaint as it was always said with a smile. (It seemed to be one of the endearing qualities that he liked about me.) For some reason I always felt so loved when he said this even though I imagine that I did take up a lot of the bed. I do have a theory about it and it’s because I’m searching. Searching for my partner to snuggle up against, needing the warmth and security that I know is there. I’ve been starfishing so much lately that I’m waking myself up. I’m searching for something that’s not there anymore.
Closeness to another person, physically and emotionally, is such a huge part of who I am. I want and need to have a connection with a partner. I don’t feel complete without it. I can be single, live alone, have alone time, and be ok. I just don’t feel 100% complete, there’s a huge hole in my heart. I’m happy and thankful for what I do have, my children and grandchildren, the rest of my family and a few great friends but something huge is missing and I don’t like it. This year has been a really tough one. I’ve been pretty much alone for most of it and I’m starfishing all the time now, not only when I’m asleep. Flinging out my arms and legs in search of contact. I’ve “lost” one of my arms and like a starfish, I’m waiting to regrow another.
It’s a slow process, not one that can be hurried along but one that will take its own sweet time. And you know, that’s ok. The anticipation of what’s to come is exciting. A new chapter in the Book of Steff. Growth and change is something that we all need to do, continually, on a minute by minute, day by day basis. We all need to strive to improve, to be the best we can be. I’m not looking for perfection (In fact I think that would be rather boring.) as I’m of the opinion that its our imperfections that makes us unique and original. As long as we are loving, respectful, kind and considerate towards the people we love, then we know that we’ve tried our best.
As a good friend tells me, now is the time to focus on me and me alone. Time to define what I want for the rest of my life. Set some new goals. I’m working on this and I’m running faster towards it everyday now. My needs haven’t changed, still want a loving husband to grow old with, a comfortable income to take care of my basic needs, good health for myself and family. It’s what I have wanted all along and damn it… I will have it. And that lost arm… I feel it growing back stronger than before.
Do you starfish? Do you have something that you’re searching for? Do you know exactly what it is or is it just something you think will be better? Have you already found what you were starfishing for? Was it something that you already had but lost sight of it? Let me know.