U + Ur Hand

Woke up this morning to my alter ego.  When this woman first appeared on the music       scene, I fell in love.  Girl crush? Maybe.  I just knew that she was really me, the me that I used to be and had buried deep inside.  To the people who know me, get ready to laugh because this might surprise you… PINK.  I love her rebelliousness and “in your face” style.  Underneath the tough exterior, you can see the intelligence, the sensitivity and social awareness that she tries to cover up.  The first song this morning was her “U + Ur Hand”.  I adore this song for so many reasons.  Have a listen…

This album, I’m Not Dead Yet, was released in early 2007.  A few months earlier I had separated from my husband of 26 years and moved to a new town on my own.   I had a lot of anger inside and Pink’s music, and in particular this album, was a great outlet for me.  I spent many weekends alone in my car, driving aimlessly with this CD blaring from the speakers.  It helped me deal with the isolation and sense of failure I was feeling.  Once I got my head straight, this song became my anthem.

Without Cammy in my life at this time, I most likely would have become a recluse.  Holed up in my home without even a cat for company.  She gave me my sense of worth and confidence back.  From the first time I met her, I knew she was a sister for life.  I’m going to save Cammy for another blog so… Let’s talk about this song and how I relate to it.

Being single ladies, Cammy and I went out.  Not really bar flys as some people like to think even though we did hit a few here and there.  We liked to meet up at Johnny Carinos’ or Outback, sit at the bar to eat and have a few drinks.  It wasn’t about trying to pick up a man, it was more about just being around other people.  It was a safe Happy Hour, no smoke, no music so loud that you had to scream to be heard, no drunks spilling their drink on you.  Just a calmer, more sane way to meet people.

It was so much fun to get off work, stop by the house to fluff the hair and change clothes.  The anticipation of knowing that I was free to do what I wanted, to be in complete control of my life was intoxicating.  The excitement was intense.  And to have Cammy as a running buddy was awesome!  For me, “U + Ur Hand” explained my current attitude perfectly.  I was having fun on my own terms.  Not looking for a man to show me a good time or to take care of me.  I was doing that just fine on my own.  I could have written these lyrics myself…

 I’m not here for your entertainment

 No no no

You don’t really want to mess with me tonight

 Just stop and take a second

I was fine before you walked into my life

 Cause you know it’s over

 Before it began

 Keep your drink just give me the money

 It’s just you and your hand tonight

Like Pink, there was hiding within me, a softness and vulnerability I felt but never in a million years would show to the world.  The exterior was a confident, happy and vivacious woman but inside was a so-so happy but very lonely woman.  I would play this song every single time I got in the car to go out, just to remind myself of how tough I needed to be.

And then I met my current husband, and all the fear, longing, and loneliness disappeared.  The tough exterior soon started cracking away and I started feeling more of a woman than I had ever been before.  Soon I was more in love than I had ever been.

He’s no longer here and I find myself needing that tough exterior back.  It’s harder to conjure up now.  The fight is sometimes harder than I have courage for.  So once again, I’ll turn to Pink’s words, this song and many others that she sings.  Between her and my will, I need and will gather my strength and become once more, the woman who says…

In the corner with your boys you bet ’em five bucks

You’d get the girl that just walked in but she thinks you suck

 We didn’t get all dressed up just for you to see

 So quit spilling your drinks on me yeah

This time around, I know what I want and need in my life.  And its going to be on my terms.  And I can’t wait!  I definitely feel the anticipation and excitement returning.  I’m headed in a new direction and while the path isn’t completely clear, I know the journey is going to be fantastic.

Meanwhile, I’m turning the music up so loud it drowns everything else out…

Hugs…

Steffanie

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