Yeah… it’s one of those days. You know, just feeling on top of the world, kinda sassy with a cup or two of smartass thrown in. Be warned though… some of these are just a little on the risqué side.
If someone would just go ahead and invent diet wine or calorie-free vodka, we wouldn’t have to worry about being such fat asses anymore.
Behind every great woman is a man checking out her ass.
Think about how stupid the average person is and then realize that half of ’em are stupider than that. ~ George Carlin
Oh where, oh where is my personal assistant?
You can’t always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window you throw them out of.
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Art is anything you can get away with. ~ Andy Warhol
Love is a blind whore with mental disease and no sense of humor.
It’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. ! Marilyn Monroe
I know the voices aren’t real, but they have some really great ideas.
I’m sorry you found my normal behavior to be highly inappropriate.
Let’s celebrate Columbus Day by walking into someone’s house and telling them we live there now.
Sarcasm – because beating the crap out of people is illegal.
It is not happy people who are thankful. It is thankful people who are happy.
When nothing goes right, go left.
How to start an argument online… 1) express an opinion 2) wait
Ever looked at your ex and wondered “Was I drunk the entire relationship?”
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
My menopause can kick your PMS ass!
Congratulations on your ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing!
I like the noise you make when you shut the f**k up.
Bacon – the main reason you are not a vegetarian.
Sarcasm: the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.
Life is a special occasion.
Keep calm stay classy.
You don’t have bigger balls than me… Mine had to be put on my chest to avoid chafing!
Coffee… Chocolate… Men… some things are just better rich.
Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are. You aren’t.
If I had a British accent, I’d never shut up.
You’re jealous of my awesome randomness… admit it.
My beauty comes from having my own style, living my own way and knowing my own mind…
Never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else, because our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortunate.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
M & M = medicated & motivated
If at first you don’t succeed then maybe you just suck.
When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Well thank you for that information, I’ll just file it under “sh!t I don’t care about”.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
If you don’t like me, it’s not my fault. There’s clearly something wrong with you.